 Dear Chatterbox: So much dissension. So many opinions in the world. So much barbarism and hate. It is giving me a headache! I just want to close my door, not listen to the news, and not converse with the world. It is slowly affecting my everyday demeanor. I watch a newscast and feel like crying. How can I come out of this? Depressed Citizen Dear Depressed Citizen:
So sorry for your depression, which I have no doubt is real. Unfortunately, from the beginning of time, there have been battles big and small. It is the human element. It is clear that antisemitism, war, and atrocities should have no place in our society. Look within yourself and build your own self-confidence. Be charitable, kind, loving, and above all, respectful to others. Maybe, just maybe in the next hundred years, it will rub off on others. There is no magic formula, as your attitude lies within you. Seek out family and sincere friendships. We pray for peace always. All the best... Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box
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Dear Chatterbox: We live in a retirement village in Florida and have had a standing poker game in our community for over 15 years. Last month a discussion about politics came up during our coffee and cake time. It took about 2 minutes and Democrats and Republicans took sides and a heated argument ensued. It resulted in broken friendships and caused the end of our long standing friendly game. How can I mend this? Currently, Political Enemies Dear Political:
I will not entertain the idea of using the word "enemies." It is not only a fact that your game has ended, and divided, but our country, The United States of America is divided. And, it is all over politics. If there are relationships important to you, I suggest having a rule, "NO POLITICS DISCUSSED." Continue your poker game, and stick to the rules of the game! Takes some tongue biting, but it can be done. Good luck! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box Dear Chatterbox: I had a fling in the army over 50 years ago. Through our modern-day electronic and internet help, a call was received in my home, saying, "I am his daughter." Although I knew of her existence, I was sent to Korea and told by the Mother, that this child was being put up for adoption. The call was received by my wife. My wife wants nothing to do with this and is angry that it is being brought into our lives. My wife maintains that I did nothing to find this child for well over 50 years, and since she was adopted she is not legally mine or entitled to anything of mine. My wife feels that this will be unsettling for our family and problematic for finances. All I can say is, Yikes! Dear Yikes:
As far as being legally entitled to anything monetary, since she was adopted by another family, she is no longer entitled to inheritance. As far as your other children, it could cause a can of worms. Your wife is entitled to her feelings. It doesn't seem like your emotions enter into this and it is odd that for over 50 years, this never came up. It is a curiosity that most adopted children possess. Most times they want to know who their biological parents were. This may not go any further than pure curiosity. I suggest that you and your wife be united and consider all the pros and cons that this relationship will or will not entail. It is purely a decision for you both as you are married and it affects all members of the family. Good luck! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box  Dear Chatterbox, I am going to my best friend’s wedding and she has asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I have been keeping a secret from her. Prior to her engagement, her boyfriend and I hooked up in a weak moment. We both realized it was a huge mistake. We instantly stopped our relationship. How can I be her Maid of Honor? Should I confess or let it go? From, No Honor Here Dear No-Honor here,
The real problem here is that you “crossed the line” in your friendship. In other words, you went beyond what is proper or acceptable in your relationship with the bride. The groom committed infidelity. Do not “kiss and tell.” That confession lies with her groom. Your secret does not fit the criteria of Maid of Honor. It is best to bow out gracefully of that title, and just attend as a guest. There are a host of excuses you can make. You can’t change these circumstances. I suggest that in the future you think about how weak moments can change valued relationships. Good Luck! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box  Dear Carol-Rose: I live in the suburbs, and my 10-year-old son is always being bullied by the boy across the street. I have been friends with the other boy's mother and have asked her to teach her boy not to do this. She said that the kids have to learn to work it out by themselves and to stop being an over-protective mother. My son came home yesterday and said that he has been challenged to a fight by the other boy. The other boy is 3 heads taller than my son. I was so worried, but off he went with boxing gloves to our neighbor's front lawn. All the kids in the neighborhood were attending. I watched from my window, and it was amazing. My son punched the big bully and down he went and started crying. His Mother came running out yelling at all the kids and took her child inside. Looks like they could dish it out, but can't take it. She then called me and screamed about what my child had done. I told her, they settled it by themselves, just as she wanted, but it just didn't turn out the way she wanted. I reiterated that her boy was a bully and she should teach him better. We have never spoken again. What do you think? "Over” Protective Mother Dear "Over" Protective Mother,
And why shouldn't you be “over” protective? You didn't pick him off a tree and when he is sad, you are sad. As hard as it was for you to watch, your son was a brave hero. Hopefully, this teaches the other boy a lesson. As far as his mother, (who you say you were friendly with) she is the one who needed to learn a lesson. I doubt she did. Keep her at arm's length, across the street. With friends like this, who needs enemies? The bottom line here is that bullying is harmful and creates a relationship with an imbalance of power. It is the intentional hurting, whether by mouth or brawn, of another person. Schools have taken this to heart and promote programs against bullying, stressing The 3 R's...Recognize, Respond, and Report. This woman was not much of a good friend, as she didn't care about your son and frankly doesn't care about her own son learning right from wrong. A safe environment for children to thrive is of the utmost importance and the first requirement of a good parent is creating this safe haven. The first lesson is to respect other people. Glad you asked, as the above is what I think about it! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box Dear Chatterbox: I have read your book, "The Feeling." Your heroine, Rachel, spent many unhappy years, and stayed in place. Why in the world didn't she leave? Why didn't she throw her husband out? Just curious Dear Just Curious:
Remember Elvis singing, “CAUGHT IN A TRAP................... CAN'T GET OUT........" The book is a lesson for all women. Make sure you can support yourself. Nev er know what life throws at you. It was the 1970s when women did not work.....No job, no money, no way of supporting 4 children through college and maintaining a home. Rachel sacrificed herself so that her children would grow up and be properly educated. Her girls, as well as boys, would always have a career to fall back on and nurture with independence. It was a typical 70's environment. But to her credit, despite all odds, she eventually executed a successful career. She excelled as a Mother, Daughter, and eventually a new wife. It took more time than in today's world, but she got there. Read on.....to see how this story unfolded! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box  Dear Chatterbox: I inherited 2 stepdaughters in my new marriage. I have included them, loved them, and enhanced their lives positively. Although I met their father 20-plus years after their parents' divorce, their mother is still angry and resentful. Her feelings overlap with the girls and consequently a lack of respect for me. I feel like I am the "Cinderella" Stepmother; like the roles in the story have been reversed. How can I stop this destructive cycle and blend our family? Cinderella Stepmother Dear Cinderella Stepmother:
Although you tried, it is generally true that it is hard to mother another woman's children, particularly when their mother harbors resentment and interferes. Perhaps friendship is the best you can accomplish. Like the old adage says, "If you don't expect, you won't be disappointed." I suggest that you step back and live your best life with your husband. Hopefully, as they mature, they will respect your position in the family. Just do your best and hope for their growth in the right direction. Try a one-on-one discussion with them and reiterate your welcoming and nurturing feelings. Keep an open mind and heart and see what the future brings. Good luck! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box Dear Carol-Rose: I am married for 40 years to a successful man who has become very wealthy and is generous to me. I am residing in Florida full time, and my husband travels to our apartment in New York, Monday thru Friday AM, to handle his various business entities. I overheard his conversations recently and it cut me like a knife. He was making plans with a woman in New York. It did not sound random, but an in depth conversation and sounded like they were romantically intimate. She sounded young, as reference was made to rollerblading. (I hope his old back gives out!) I am devastated and feel like a discarded "old shoe." Should I confront him? What should I do? Dear "Old Shoe":
There is something to be said for "Old Shoes". THEY ARE VERY COMFORTABLE! Here are several approaches you could take:
Feel free to write to me again. Carol-Rose, Your Favorite Chatter Box  Dear Carol-Rose:
I am in an office romance. I can't wait to see his face in the morning. I can't wait to pick up his phone call. This is generally frowned upon by our company. We are both married to others. Secret looks touch and the excitement of forbidden is overwhelming. I am afraid of losing my job, but yet I want this to go further. I know I am playing with fire. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Playing with Fire: It is a well-known fact that most affairs happen in the office. It is easy to make a connection because generally, so much time is spent together, and a relationship forms. It starts out as friendship and continues to the ultimate. Consequences can be devasting for the married partners. As much as you think you are not being observed, you are an ostrich burying your head in the sand. Eventually, it is noticed, as ultimately your feelings become evident to all around you. You could lose your job, lose your marriage. Yes, you are playing with FIRE. The best advice is for you to evaluate if these losses are worth it. Is this long-term? Are you both on the same page? Are there children involved? Is it just sex? Is it enough for your whole life to change? Only you, in a REALISTIC moment, can give these answers. Think carefully, as it affects many people. Mainly, is he worth it? Good Luck and Good Choices! Carol-Rose, Your Favorite Chatter Box Dear Carol-Rose:
I read your book and it resonated with me. I find myself in similar circumstances and do not know what to do. I don't think I can maintain my marriage for the elongated time period you did. Can you help me decide what to do? Unhappy Elizabeth ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Unhappy Elizabeth: There is no set rule on how to end a marriage. It all depends on individual circumstances.. A lack of funds is a serious consideration. It is best to prepare oneself with a job and funds to see you through. If there are children to consider, assess their ages and requirements. If there is an affair in progress by either party, a plan to terminate same and reconstruct your marriage is in order. It goes without saying that, if there is any type of abuse involved, you must protect yourself and children immediately. If none of the above helps at this time, follow the "Chatter Box Rule: "Take time to reflect and plan carefully. When the timing is right, things fall into place and your decisions will be clear. However, when you do not know what to do..., ...DO NOTHING!" Only the right timing and clear thinking ensures success. Wishing you good luck. Carol-Rose, Your Favorite Chatter Box Dear Carol-Rose:
I have just given birth to my first baby, a boy. When I went home from the hospital with my new son and husband, I requested that only MY mother be there. Now, my mother-in-law is very hurt. It has caused hard feelings and there is an iciness about her towards me. My husband says I was wrong and I should apologize to his mother. I think she should have understood. What do you think I should do ? NEW MOM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear New Mom: Here is a classic little poem for you to read and help you decide: "Oh mother-in-law, Oh mother-in-law, forgive me for being so petty. My new-born son is one day old, And I hate his wife already ! " It is clear that your husband's mother feels left out and will argue that she is the same grandma as your mother. You didn't mean to hurt her and should let her know that. Consider that you might be in her position some day, now that you have a son,... so be generous. What goes around comes around and bragging rights go to both sides of the family. Enjoy your baby. It is a uniquely precious time for all the family. Congratulations! Carol-Rose Your favorite Chatter Box Dear Carol-Rose:
Please help! I am caught up in an affair. Fortunately, it has not been exposed. At least, so far! I did not seek it out, it just happened. I love my husband and want my marriage, but do not want to give up this great sex I've experienced. I know it is a matter of time before this blows up. What should I do? From, Caught Up ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Caught Up, You are not the wife being wronged. You are the wife seeking "more". Nothing just happens! There are circumstances that predecease it. I use the term "predecease" because something died. You do not mention love or friendship in this affair, only sex. So, listen girl! You had a fling, and you enjoyed the benefits. But, the bottom line is, you still want your marriage! The reasons don't matter. You strayed and found the sex you longed for. Here's your best approach: Leave it in its place...a moment in time! Nothing more, nothing less! It's not enough for a lifetime commitment! And so, Caught Up, take all that you learned and apply it to your marriage! Catch up! We sometimes need to update our marital education! Try it! You might like it! Good luck! Carol-Rose Your Favorite Chatter Box |
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